FIFTY SHADES OF BROWN
"You can't eat your way into heaven, but you can eat your way out of hell." -- Jimbo Tubbs MMP, DCCP, ACP, JNP Emeritus.
You're fed up with drug side effects that are worse than the disease. You've eaten raw fruits and vegetables until you've started to grow a tail and lose that opposable thumb. You've cut meat out of your diet. You've cut out sugar. You've cut out fat. You've cut out refined carbs. You've cut out gluten. You've cut out polyunsaturates. And soon you'll be cutting out paper dolls.
TOSS AWAY YOUR PILLS, YOUR CALORIE COUNTER, YOUR ACUPRESSURE PEN, YOUR FULL SPECTRUM LIGHT PANEL, YOUR NEUROFEEDBACK HEADPHONES & YOUR TRUSS. THE MIRACLE HEALING FOOD OF THE MILLENNIUM IS HERE!
JIMBO FARMS RAW ORGANIC LIQUID PORK
ONLY $399.95 (plus shipping, handling, preparation & processing)
JIMBO FARMS R.O.L.P. is a guaranteed whole food. No part of the wholesomeness of pure porcine mammalia has been omitted or sublimated.
$399.95 may seem expensive, but we went through three dozen blenders to make this stuff.
THE RESULT: A FOOD THAT WILL CHANGE YOUR LIFE
AND THE LIVES OF THOSE WATCHING!
HAPPY SATISFIED R.O.L.P. CUSTOMER TESTIMONIALS:
You're fed up with drug side effects that are worse than the disease. You've eaten raw fruits and vegetables until you've started to grow a tail and lose that opposable thumb. You've cut meat out of your diet. You've cut out sugar. You've cut out fat. You've cut out refined carbs. You've cut out gluten. You've cut out polyunsaturates. And soon you'll be cutting out paper dolls.
TOSS AWAY YOUR PILLS, YOUR CALORIE COUNTER, YOUR ACUPRESSURE PEN, YOUR FULL SPECTRUM LIGHT PANEL, YOUR NEUROFEEDBACK HEADPHONES & YOUR TRUSS. THE MIRACLE HEALING FOOD OF THE MILLENNIUM IS HERE!
JIMBO FARMS RAW ORGANIC LIQUID PORK
ONLY $399.95 (plus shipping, handling, preparation & processing)
JIMBO FARMS R.O.L.P. is a guaranteed whole food. No part of the wholesomeness of pure porcine mammalia has been omitted or sublimated.
$399.95 may seem expensive, but we went through three dozen blenders to make this stuff.
THE RESULT: A FOOD THAT WILL CHANGE YOUR LIFE
AND THE LIVES OF THOSE WATCHING!
HAPPY SATISFIED R.O.L.P. CUSTOMER TESTIMONIALS:
"I felt a surge of what I now think was healing, although at the time I thought I was going to...<MORE>
"When I completed the 21 day Liquid Pork Fast, my skin had broken out in running sores from head to foot. Hubby Kyle and me rejoyced and thanked the Lord for the deep purging of stored toksins only luquid pork can fasilitait... <MORE>
"Our Shitsoo dog loves Liquid Pork. He can't get enough of it and $400 a bottle is a small price to pay to ensure that our beloved... <MORE>
Is it normal for the bottle to off-gas? After 30 oz. of pork shots, I took my first Liquid Pork bath. 40 minutes in it started to harden. The landlord had to come with power tools and cut me out of the tub. Am I supposed to heat Liquid Pork before... <MORE>
Did we say PERSONAL? We meant REAL!!
FREE RANGE CLASSIFIEDS
MALE SEEKS FEMALE
Door to door GMO Seed Catalogue Salesman, 30, Seeks unattached female into Scheussler Cell Salts and Venutian Bud Harvesting. No weirdos please. Box 10252
Are you looking for someone who's into long walks by the sea, candelight dinners, Kenny G. on the stereo? Don't call me. Not ever. Box 8898
If you're between 3'6" and 7'1", you could be the woman I'm looking for. Senor Bob, Box 25539
Deported Drag King of Borneo seeks Cadillac Seat Cover. Box88651
HCN, mid:20's. I'm looking for a woman who gets off yelling C++ code during sex. No VB or Delphi please. Prefer Active XXX.
Salmon Rushdie look-a-like, early 60’s, seeks female companionship. Let’s meet somewhere quiet. Real quiet. Box 45887 (not my real box #)
Hello woman of my dreams! I used to be a woman, now I'm a man and I’m looking for you. Have the best of both worlds: hard sex and shopping tips. Box 92991.
Venice Beach Surfologist. I like, like, hair. Looking for a woman with, like, a job. Box 77331
Zorro. I can show you the meaning of justice for all no matter their station of birth. Box56113
SWF, ENERGETIC, CLASSY, 42, educated, sophisticated. Seeks redneck teen male so sexually clueless that he would try to mount my head. Box 77554
Dominatrix Pizza Experience the paradox of infinitely diminishing pleasurable returns with Madam Zeno. Why go all the way and suffer the let down of detumescence when you can half what you want forever. Box:78073
SWF, 26, Phd. Russian Literature, thesis topic, "Clitoral Meme Nuances In The Marginalia of Chekov's Vodka Diaries". Interests include, but not limited to, Gestalt Psychology, Abreactive Psychodrama and Anamnetic Autolysis. Seek mute muscle bound love pony. Box:02989
AFTERNOON DELIGHT: Drop by anytime for total stress relief. If I don’t wake up, leave $50 in the food processor. Box 7872
UNRETOUCHED FILM footage of me set upon by Invisible Spring Boks. Not a fake! Box 1237. :60 sec. @$5.00.
PHONE SEX with KAYLA, ABSOLUTELY GORGEOUS! Help me earn my junior college diploma while I talk you into feeling guilty about phoning me. Box:99813
Looking for a woman to be alone with? I'm very skilled at leaving you alone in a relationship. Box 83383:
Products, Programs And Services Absolutely Vouched For By Me Personally
Template For Medical Press Releases
1: Dramatic HEADLINE proclaims breakthrough in the treatment, alleviation or cure of chronic disease A, B, C or D. Conveys powerful message, "at last, a cure suffering humanity has been waiting for."
2: Glowing description of breakthrough, includes statements from prestigious medical personnel attesting to breakthrough as an achievement of landmark, unprecedented, epic, Zoroastrian proportions.
3: Caveat that so far this breakthrough drug has only been tested on monocular rodents. Nevertheless, high expectations for good results in human trials due to positive results achieved on a test group of gluten intolerant Zambian wart hogs.
4: Note that human trials of the miracle drug will take approximately two years, after which the path to FDA approval will require a further 3-5 years and millions of dollars that the company is presently trying to raise through FANTASTIC BREAKTHROUGH MEDICAL MIRACLE news items like the one you're reading.
5: End on a positive note.
2: Glowing description of breakthrough, includes statements from prestigious medical personnel attesting to breakthrough as an achievement of landmark, unprecedented, epic, Zoroastrian proportions.
3: Caveat that so far this breakthrough drug has only been tested on monocular rodents. Nevertheless, high expectations for good results in human trials due to positive results achieved on a test group of gluten intolerant Zambian wart hogs.
4: Note that human trials of the miracle drug will take approximately two years, after which the path to FDA approval will require a further 3-5 years and millions of dollars that the company is presently trying to raise through FANTASTIC BREAKTHROUGH MEDICAL MIRACLE news items like the one you're reading.
5: End on a positive note.
Products That Didn't Make it
The Creepy Crawly All Pervasive BS Factor
Search the web for information on any subject and end up hopelessly confused. Health information is a great example. The same herb, mineral or prescription medication can be found to cause constipation or to cure it, depending on who you read.
Supplement A will help you sleep better according to source A; will have no effect, according to source B and will destroy your sleep according to source C. Site 1 claims that formula A is the best and safest aphrodisiac known to man. Site 2 claims that if you use formula A for any length of time, your nads will drop off. And this is before we even start wading through the jungle of miskewed claims made by hyper-enthusiastic Multi-Level Marketing zealots who happen to be selling supplement A, compound B or new breakthrough C.
Our survival depends on being straight with one another. MLM allegiances and fast buck greed and expedience are not going to ensure the long term viability of the human species.
We have to stop bullshitting each other.
"Anything that you create with an impure motive will eventually fuck up the environment." - - Rolling Thunder, First Nations Shaman
