STEAMHOUSE BOB PAGE
In the spirit of 'Dr. Bundolo's Pandemonium Medicine Show' which I co-wrote and directed decades ago with Jeff Groberman on CBC radio, this segment sheds a rainbow light on what we're up to as this planet's second smartest and most troublesome species.
'When one sees how all belief systems, bigotries and prejudices have failed us, the route to sanity opens in the form of giving up judgment and just getting along.'
-- S.H. Bob
Steamhouse Bob Banda, standup sangha comic
caveat: Banda's jokes are a little obscure. i.e., He performs standup sitting on an elephant.
I'm so locked into identification with my ego, when I wake up in the morning, I think I'm doing it. .
Tourette's was a curse, I tell ya. But the amnesia was a blessing. I kept forgetting to swear.
Right and wrong, good and evil, life and death, light and dark are a binary puppet show, where Zero is the puppet and One the hand up its butt. This has nothing to do with our real life situation of course.
True sociopathy is rooted a degree of arrogance no light can penetrate. Most politicians, even dumb ones, are impervious to psychoanalysis.
I tried selfless service, but it's not for me.
The corporate mindset will even convince itself that it's interested in spirituality in order to sell more yoga pants.
Wal-Mart announces that it will begin offering customers a new discount item, Wal-Mart's own brands of wine.
Wow. Can't wait. A few expected in-house brand names:
obscure Tea Party parable from somewhere in the deep south
They found Steamhouse Bob on a desert island where he had lived alone for twenty years. During that time he had built two churches. One of his rescuers asked him why he built two. Bob pointed at one of them and said, "I don't go to that one anymore."
Meanwhile, back at the Snowden revelations about the NSA spying on everyone...
Meanwhile, back at the Snowden revelations about the NSA spying on everyone...
J i h a d i s t L o g i c
Detonation is how a God of Love wants us to create a better world.
The best way to create the future is to dive into the 8th Century.
Treating women like oppressed slaves is how you get Mother Nature on your side.
Tribal warfare led by local sociopaths is more leading edge than creating a viable alternative to the iphone.
Growing opium poppies must be encouraged by our holy books and imams because we're sure doing a lot of it.
Imagine how peaceful we'd be if we prayed 10 times a day.
The best way to create the future is to dive into the 8th Century.
Treating women like oppressed slaves is how you get Mother Nature on your side.
Tribal warfare led by local sociopaths is more leading edge than creating a viable alternative to the iphone.
Growing opium poppies must be encouraged by our holy books and imams because we're sure doing a lot of it.
Imagine how peaceful we'd be if we prayed 10 times a day.
Meanwhile, back in that great big mostly empty country north of Obamacare Nation...
Truth or Con Sequences
BASHAR
My name is Bashar Mahmoud Trumpadinejad. I'm a London trained opthalmologist and expert on micro-managing genocide through truce and ceasefire violations, nerve gas and extreme torture. I'm wearing $7,000 Kevlar-Caviar Speedos.
MAHMOUD
MY name is Bashar Mahmoud Trumpadinejad. I'm a mass mangler of women's rights and the driving force behind an innovative plan to bring my people better dentistry through weapon's grade uranium. I have enough money 30 ft underground in a Zurich bank to buy 50 million dresses like the one I'm wearing.
DONALD
MY name is Bashar Mahmoud Trumpadinejad. I'm a real estate tycoon and no one has any dirt on me because I'm really smart and I love women and Mexicans. I will be the next President of the United States because reality is a Wolf and Roadrunner cartoon. To those of you who lost your life savings investing in my projects, hey, this is America. You want revenge, earn it, like I did.
My name is Bashar Mahmoud Trumpadinejad. I'm a London trained opthalmologist and expert on micro-managing genocide through truce and ceasefire violations, nerve gas and extreme torture. I'm wearing $7,000 Kevlar-Caviar Speedos.
MAHMOUD
MY name is Bashar Mahmoud Trumpadinejad. I'm a mass mangler of women's rights and the driving force behind an innovative plan to bring my people better dentistry through weapon's grade uranium. I have enough money 30 ft underground in a Zurich bank to buy 50 million dresses like the one I'm wearing.
DONALD
MY name is Bashar Mahmoud Trumpadinejad. I'm a real estate tycoon and no one has any dirt on me because I'm really smart and I love women and Mexicans. I will be the next President of the United States because reality is a Wolf and Roadrunner cartoon. To those of you who lost your life savings investing in my projects, hey, this is America. You want revenge, earn it, like I did.
Some People Are Just Way Better Than Us
No, amigos, I'm not making these up. These are actual titles that funny little men in big hats and long robes have been giving themselves for centuries in the world's mainstream religious organizations and nutbar stream monarchies. It would be a laugh riot if they were making up these titles in the spirit of good fun, but, no. They're dead serious about this silly, pompous self-adulation. Google this nonsense. Check out the protocols for writing a letter to anyone of these paragons of self-importance. You are required to use these titles - and more! in addressing them. It kinda takes your breath away. Here it is the 21st century and these people still cling to these goofy, grandiose, anachronistic appellations:
Archdeacon, Prebendary, Canon, King, Queen, Baron, Count, Contessa, Princess, Lord, Duke, Viscount, Cardinal, Arch Bishop, His Beatitude, His Eminence, Emperor, Heir Apparent, Crown Prince, Viceroy, Custodian of the Imperial Seal (not the marine mammal), Marquis, Vizier, Imperial Highness, Pope, Sovereign, Marchioness, Earl, Lord High Commissioner, ad infisnootum.
Complete with forms of address:
- His/Her Majesty, His/Her Royal Highness, His/Her Grace, The Most Honorable, The Right Honorable, The Much Honored, The Most Reverend, The Right Reverend, The Very Reverend, The Venerable, The Very Venerable
These are people who clearly did not get enough attention in a previous life time.
Lucille comments:
How can you be so mean? Leave these people alone. You don't understand anything about history. The masses need people to look up to. Kings, Queens and Popes give them hope. People feel better about their lives if they can look up to iconic figures that represent something greater. Why should that bother you? I'll bet you anything that a lot of people who are royalty or high church authorities would rather lead ordinary lives, but they play the roles destiny has given them, even when it is a great burden. It's easy to have compassion toward the poor and downtrodden. How about a little compassion for the high and mighty tormented by a life of duties and responsibilities?
How can you be so mean? Leave these people alone. You don't understand anything about history. The masses need people to look up to. Kings, Queens and Popes give them hope. People feel better about their lives if they can look up to iconic figures that represent something greater. Why should that bother you? I'll bet you anything that a lot of people who are royalty or high church authorities would rather lead ordinary lives, but they play the roles destiny has given them, even when it is a great burden. It's easy to have compassion toward the poor and downtrodden. How about a little compassion for the high and mighty tormented by a life of duties and responsibilities?
That's Y as in Ytterbium
When you’re spelling out a word on the phone to an annoying bureaucrat pushing their weight around, and you employ the convention of saying, “That’s “T” as in Tom, “V” as in Victor, etc., try using some of these instead::
That’s…
“P” as in Psychology
“G” as in Gnome
“K” as in Knowledge
“A” as in Aesthetic
“M” as in Mnemonic
“E” as in Eileen
“T” as in Tsunami
“O” as in Oedipus
“H” as in Hour
“C” as in Cicero, Chorus, Chaperone or Czech Republic
“W” as in Wrath
“D” as in Dvorjak
“X” as in xylophone
And don't forget to announce to all tech support, complaint department, billing and invoice services and government agencies at the beginning of your phone call: "Please be advised, this call is being recorded for quality assurance purposes."
They love that.
That’s…
“P” as in Psychology
“G” as in Gnome
“K” as in Knowledge
“A” as in Aesthetic
“M” as in Mnemonic
“E” as in Eileen
“T” as in Tsunami
“O” as in Oedipus
“H” as in Hour
“C” as in Cicero, Chorus, Chaperone or Czech Republic
“W” as in Wrath
“D” as in Dvorjak
“X” as in xylophone
And don't forget to announce to all tech support, complaint department, billing and invoice services and government agencies at the beginning of your phone call: "Please be advised, this call is being recorded for quality assurance purposes."
They love that.
HOUSE HUNTING WITH JED AND FLORA
CHEZ CANNIBALSAMICO
starter menu
printed on 100% shed snake skin
SIMPLE OUROBOROS
GORDIAN OUROBOROS
LEMNESCATE OUROBOROS
All entrees served with orthorexia fries, Blakean devourer hors d'oeuvres and deep south Bite My Crank crepes.
Gratis Joke of the day:
Q. Why does a cosmic snake eat its own tail?
A. It's trying to make ens meet.. (See: Aquinas on 'ens')
Everything in the universe obeys the law of entropy except for consciousness, which wasn't even mentioned in the Physics documentary I watched tonight. "Everything moves only in the direction of entropy," said the host, apparently unaware that metals and plastics turning into a laptop computer describes a process moving in quite the opposite direction. The value of the laptop depreciating by 50% as soon as you walk it out of the store could possibly be viewed as entropic.
Gratis Quiz Question:
The difference between Ouroboros and the Vampire is...?
Gratis Joke of the day:
Q. Why does a cosmic snake eat its own tail?
A. It's trying to make ens meet.. (See: Aquinas on 'ens')
Everything in the universe obeys the law of entropy except for consciousness, which wasn't even mentioned in the Physics documentary I watched tonight. "Everything moves only in the direction of entropy," said the host, apparently unaware that metals and plastics turning into a laptop computer describes a process moving in quite the opposite direction. The value of the laptop depreciating by 50% as soon as you walk it out of the store could possibly be viewed as entropic.
Gratis Quiz Question:
The difference between Ouroboros and the Vampire is...?
Balotelli and The Beautiful Game
Italy versus Germany in the second semi-final of this year's Euro 2012 football championships. The disciplined, youthful Germans, sporting a world record 15 straight wins in competitive matches and the best win-loss record of the tournament so far, went into the contest ready to end the drought against Italy that has plagued them since 1968.
Now, here let's briefly mention three other nations: Croatia, Russia and Spain. All three had been fined by UEFA for racist behavior by their fans. These glum representatives of their countries taunted black players on the field with monkey chants and racist slurs. Notable among the recipients of this ignorant abuse was the brilliant Italian forward, Mario Balotelli.
Back to the game, a tightly fought, scoreless struggle until the 20th minute of the first half when Cassano lofted a fine cross, headed into the net with an exclamation mark by a leaping Balotelli. The score remained 1-nil until the 36th minute, when Balotelli took down a fifty yard pass with athletic finesse, out sprinted the covering defender and let loose from twenty yards out with a cannonating drive into the top right corner that left the German goaltender no chance. 2-nil against a team that has always been one of the defensive giants of football and, well, it's over. It is what happened in the next moment that will be indelibly imprinted in this viewer's sports saturated memory.
Balotelli whipped his shirt off and stared down the field. He was showing his skin, his black skin, his face ablaze with a defiant, liberating glare of pride that could be mistaken for arrogance only by someone dimwitted enough to make racist slurs. He was still glaring when a team mate swarmed him. Only when the rest of his jubilant compatriots piled on, did Mario finally break into a broad grin that shone as bright as his epic play at this highest stage of Football.
Balotelli was given a yellow card for taking his shirt off. You're just not supposed to do that. But in the rulebook of a far bigger game than the one on the field, that is just what he had to do. Grazie, Balotelli!
Balotelli was given a yellow card for taking his shirt off. You're just not supposed to do that. But in the rulebook of a far bigger game than the one on the field, that is just what he had to do. Grazie, Balotelli!
Aries Through Pisces, the week ahead promises to unfold in ways that are an amalgam of predetermination, chaos, novelty, habit, deja vu, redundancy, inspiration and monotony. Stay alert, you could be surprised by more of the same every barn storming day of your life under our all-seeing stars.
ARIES: key image: on a planet with no gravity bats hang at every angle.
You will steal a car this week. Don’t worry. Aspects favor a long joy ride and a predawn hitch back to the sanitarium. Do not sniper bid on Ebay. There is more to the birth process than tenesmus and a slap.
TAURUS: key image: a bird in the bush relents in the mouth of a cave.
Expect to laugh out of embarrassment more than once. The sacking of a small coastal town looms Thursday. Strive to consider the needs of a Republican in latex. That person who steps in front of you in a movie line has been programmed to do so.
GEMINI: key image: the goat herder’s wife outsmarts a flight attendant.
You can get repetitive stress injury from other things besides typing. You may find the meaning of life this week. Try not to be distracted by your twin or you’ll miss it. That recurring dream of being naked from the waist down means you have outgrown punitive religion.
CANCER: key image: persons made of Velcro and Teflon fight over you in a steam bath
Shake off that depression. Group sex is for other people. A moose may come down out of the mountains and spear you. If this doesn't happen by Tuesday, a lottery win is likely but not inevitable. Don't worry about red urine if you ate beets last night.
LEO: Key image: a yogini gives birth while alternate nostril breathing.
A Swede who creates algorithms for accounting software invites you to dinner or a threesome. Answering your cell in a sweat lodge could aggravate the shaman. An aging rock groupie who claims alimony is mistaking you for Bono. A family pet wants to talk, but cannot.
VIRGO: Key image: a reformed Jesuit dangles a shark tooth key chain.
Not the right time to reflect on the pointlessness of existence. Income breakthrough possible, key: recycled five inch floppies. Do not let your daughter babysit for a fundamentalist.
LIBRA: Key image: a dog burying a bone among fire ants serves as an example of Promethean foresight.
A used car salesman might be boning your wife. If not, keep an eye on the cable installer or male student renting a room in your house. Friday brings email news of millions held for you in Nigeria or Colorado.
SCORPIO: Key image: a fake Mac store in China accepts your Harvard resume as valid.
Despair is not bulletproof. Planting nightshades may seem a fit response to the tyranny of dogooders, but results are small potatoes. Chronic priapism up to but not exceeding four hours could be a blessing in disguise.
SAGITTARIUS: Key image: abnormal sunspot activity shunts DNA toward the bovine
Lightning storm Wednesday. Remove aluminum party hat before taking down old TV antenna. If you find yourself forgetting why you have gone from one room to another, you have entered a Bardo and need to call Sister Tom.
AQUARIUS: Key image: a disgraced Wall Street CEO hangs a Mayan calendar in the Hall of Justice.
Everyone loves you, everyone's your pal. How come they never pay back loans? Listen for voices on your stereo that shouldn't be there. Someone on the other side is trying to contact you with information that doesn’t relate to space-time. Enable the Family Filter on your browser for Lent.
PISCES: Key image: a monk at the back of the line says he is first in a parallel universe.
If you buy Bunderfleisch, don’t eat it after petting a dog. That deep seated guilt can be alleviated by sending a money order to musicians who have been financially ruined by your download piracy.
You will steal a car this week. Don’t worry. Aspects favor a long joy ride and a predawn hitch back to the sanitarium. Do not sniper bid on Ebay. There is more to the birth process than tenesmus and a slap.
TAURUS: key image: a bird in the bush relents in the mouth of a cave.
Expect to laugh out of embarrassment more than once. The sacking of a small coastal town looms Thursday. Strive to consider the needs of a Republican in latex. That person who steps in front of you in a movie line has been programmed to do so.
GEMINI: key image: the goat herder’s wife outsmarts a flight attendant.
You can get repetitive stress injury from other things besides typing. You may find the meaning of life this week. Try not to be distracted by your twin or you’ll miss it. That recurring dream of being naked from the waist down means you have outgrown punitive religion.
CANCER: key image: persons made of Velcro and Teflon fight over you in a steam bath
Shake off that depression. Group sex is for other people. A moose may come down out of the mountains and spear you. If this doesn't happen by Tuesday, a lottery win is likely but not inevitable. Don't worry about red urine if you ate beets last night.
LEO: Key image: a yogini gives birth while alternate nostril breathing.
A Swede who creates algorithms for accounting software invites you to dinner or a threesome. Answering your cell in a sweat lodge could aggravate the shaman. An aging rock groupie who claims alimony is mistaking you for Bono. A family pet wants to talk, but cannot.
VIRGO: Key image: a reformed Jesuit dangles a shark tooth key chain.
Not the right time to reflect on the pointlessness of existence. Income breakthrough possible, key: recycled five inch floppies. Do not let your daughter babysit for a fundamentalist.
LIBRA: Key image: a dog burying a bone among fire ants serves as an example of Promethean foresight.
A used car salesman might be boning your wife. If not, keep an eye on the cable installer or male student renting a room in your house. Friday brings email news of millions held for you in Nigeria or Colorado.
SCORPIO: Key image: a fake Mac store in China accepts your Harvard resume as valid.
Despair is not bulletproof. Planting nightshades may seem a fit response to the tyranny of dogooders, but results are small potatoes. Chronic priapism up to but not exceeding four hours could be a blessing in disguise.
SAGITTARIUS: Key image: abnormal sunspot activity shunts DNA toward the bovine
Lightning storm Wednesday. Remove aluminum party hat before taking down old TV antenna. If you find yourself forgetting why you have gone from one room to another, you have entered a Bardo and need to call Sister Tom.
AQUARIUS: Key image: a disgraced Wall Street CEO hangs a Mayan calendar in the Hall of Justice.
Everyone loves you, everyone's your pal. How come they never pay back loans? Listen for voices on your stereo that shouldn't be there. Someone on the other side is trying to contact you with information that doesn’t relate to space-time. Enable the Family Filter on your browser for Lent.
PISCES: Key image: a monk at the back of the line says he is first in a parallel universe.
If you buy Bunderfleisch, don’t eat it after petting a dog. That deep seated guilt can be alleviated by sending a money order to musicians who have been financially ruined by your download piracy.
Fiddling While Om Yearns
I think if we're honest, we have to admit we're here mostly for the entertainment.
Let's break it down.
In COLUMN A, add up the time, effort, money and resources put into the following every year: Baseball, football, basketball, tennis, soccer, hockey, boxing, auto racing, lotteries, online poker, casinos, horse racing, prostitution, drugs, alcohol, fashion, jewelry, pop music, cosmetics, television soap operas, reality shows and infomercials; movies, pornography, travel (flights, hotels,meals etc.).
In COLUMN B, add up the time, effort, money and resources annually put into: philosophy, yoga, poetry, meditation and contemplation of the mysteries of existence.
Let's not kid ourselves. We're here for the entertainment. And that's okay. In the words of one mystery contemplative, "There are people who want to live forever who don't know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon."
Let's break it down.
In COLUMN A, add up the time, effort, money and resources put into the following every year: Baseball, football, basketball, tennis, soccer, hockey, boxing, auto racing, lotteries, online poker, casinos, horse racing, prostitution, drugs, alcohol, fashion, jewelry, pop music, cosmetics, television soap operas, reality shows and infomercials; movies, pornography, travel (flights, hotels,meals etc.).
In COLUMN B, add up the time, effort, money and resources annually put into: philosophy, yoga, poetry, meditation and contemplation of the mysteries of existence.
Let's not kid ourselves. We're here for the entertainment. And that's okay. In the words of one mystery contemplative, "There are people who want to live forever who don't know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon."
Tickery Binary Clock
Let's face a grim and possibly meaningless truth. At one level, we're meat units. Atheists and literalists love to point this out as a rock solid reason for concluding that meat is all we are and we're as doomed as the trimmed Porterhouse at Safeway. Doomed meat units. At least meat with good karma can have fun for a while, saw off five or ten thousand orgasms, snort and drink meat altering substances and say 'bon appetit' over environmentally impactful truckloads of deluxe meals.
The problem with this gristle packed view of our human condition is that it does not account for the unmeatlike things that meat units do all the time. Dream. Think. Imagine. Worry. Invent. Intuit. Transcend. Hallucinate. Get elected. Heck, if you peruse the extensive evidence compiled by Dr. Charles T. Tart at Stanford, it appears we meat units can successfully remote view; that is, travel out of our bodies and inspect objects placed at various remote locations. The US Defence Dept. was sufficiently impressed to put out-of-meat sojourners on the payroll.
Something appears to be using the meat for non-carbon based purposes. In spite of the efforts of countless billions of us from the dawn of time, no one has yet been able to isolate whatever the heck it is that's consciously using the meat. I suspect video gamers from the future. My biggest fear is that they're not backing everything up.
The problem with this gristle packed view of our human condition is that it does not account for the unmeatlike things that meat units do all the time. Dream. Think. Imagine. Worry. Invent. Intuit. Transcend. Hallucinate. Get elected. Heck, if you peruse the extensive evidence compiled by Dr. Charles T. Tart at Stanford, it appears we meat units can successfully remote view; that is, travel out of our bodies and inspect objects placed at various remote locations. The US Defence Dept. was sufficiently impressed to put out-of-meat sojourners on the payroll.
Something appears to be using the meat for non-carbon based purposes. In spite of the efforts of countless billions of us from the dawn of time, no one has yet been able to isolate whatever the heck it is that's consciously using the meat. I suspect video gamers from the future. My biggest fear is that they're not backing everything up.
Octoberfaust
That's me three weeks before I converted to Islam
STATE OF THE UNION
By the time the average child is eighteen years old, they will have witnessed (in film and TV media) approximately 200,000 acts of violence and 16,000 murders. -- Source: Media Education Foundation
Yeah, but don't forget. They will also have witnessed 13 acts of kindness and two examples of uplifting art, so, you know, balance is the key.
Yeah, but don't forget. They will also have witnessed 13 acts of kindness and two examples of uplifting art, so, you know, balance is the key.
Judge Not Lest Ye Be Bitch Slapped: The Zen of Pugilism
First, the discipline: intense, grueling, all consuming. Many yogis would give up long before fight night.
"Instant feedback on your mistakes" (the words of casual genius, Bill Reiter).... No waiting two or three hundred life times for the karma to ripen. You get results NOW.
No room for distraction, day dreaming, drifting off, inattention or equivocation. BE HERE NOW. OR ELSE!
Consider that every time you take a painful shot to the body or head, you're paying off karma. Accept this as your existential circumstance, you can pay off hundreds of life times of karma in one shit kicking 12 round contest.
You won the fight, but the judges gave the win to your opponent. Some people will pay thousands of dollars to be abused in EST-like seminars for the lessons you learn in one such 'loss'.
After ten or twelve fights, hopefully sooner, it may dawn on you that this whole idea of paying off karma makes sense only in a universe run by a chartered accountant.
Sure, getting smacked upside the head destroys brain cells, but so do eating refined carbs, drinking too much, running negative patterns and carving an apartment in the City of Death out of rebar reinforced mediocrity.
Unlike hundreds of other professions, avocations and spiritual paths, where you can fudge and BS till the cows come home and get away with it, in boxing you can't say "I am the greatest!" unless you truly are the greatest. In the words of Ali, "If you can do what you say, it ain't bragging."
An Other worth hitting is OUT THERE. How often has that happened to you in your eternal sublimity?
"Instant feedback on your mistakes" (the words of casual genius, Bill Reiter).... No waiting two or three hundred life times for the karma to ripen. You get results NOW.
No room for distraction, day dreaming, drifting off, inattention or equivocation. BE HERE NOW. OR ELSE!
Consider that every time you take a painful shot to the body or head, you're paying off karma. Accept this as your existential circumstance, you can pay off hundreds of life times of karma in one shit kicking 12 round contest.
You won the fight, but the judges gave the win to your opponent. Some people will pay thousands of dollars to be abused in EST-like seminars for the lessons you learn in one such 'loss'.
After ten or twelve fights, hopefully sooner, it may dawn on you that this whole idea of paying off karma makes sense only in a universe run by a chartered accountant.
Sure, getting smacked upside the head destroys brain cells, but so do eating refined carbs, drinking too much, running negative patterns and carving an apartment in the City of Death out of rebar reinforced mediocrity.
Unlike hundreds of other professions, avocations and spiritual paths, where you can fudge and BS till the cows come home and get away with it, in boxing you can't say "I am the greatest!" unless you truly are the greatest. In the words of Ali, "If you can do what you say, it ain't bragging."
An Other worth hitting is OUT THERE. How often has that happened to you in your eternal sublimity?
The following program contains scenes of discretion:
viewer nudity is advised
Milestones in Sidereal Denial
"Yeah, thass right, mate. Me and Alfie 'ere made this lot. Last Tuesday. Right after pub closed. We used string and a length of PVC drain pipe to saw off an Assyrian Double Eagle wiff supporting proto-Kabbalist iconographics. Ten pints or so and the creative juices are make yer balls tingle. When Pam, Deb and Pam saw what we done, they got their knickers in a right twist."
" A beaut innit? Me, Deb and Clarissa 'ere designed 'er on this knapkin and knackered it out in Muldoon's barley field affer closin' time. I didn't 'alf 'aff to pee on the way up. Give us a fag, Deb, will ye love? "
THE ANT AND THE GRASSHOPPER
The sun was high in mid-summer and already, industrious Mr. Ant was hauling and packing foodstuffs for the winter. Brother Grasshopper, however, a long lanky dude who looked like Nicholas Cage only green, just laid back in the grass and twiddled his thumbs.
“Twiddle,twiddle. Twiddle, twiddle.”
Disturbed by G’s indolence, Mr. Ant piped up one day, “Gee, Brother Grasshopper. These fun loving summer days are just a-whizzing by, peep-peep. Maybe time to apply a little elbow grease and start socking away a few morsels for the long winter, peep-peep.”
But Brother Grasshopper just laid back in the luxurious coochgrass and twiddled his thumbs.
“Twiddle-twiddle. Twiddle-twiddle.”
Soon, fall with its coat of many colors turned the leaves to red, orange, ochre, sienna, yellow and brown, giving chameleons fits. Mr. Ant was in high gear, tiny muscles straining as he trundled all manner of edible tidbits into his stash in the old log.
“Golly whilikers, Brother Grasshopper. Peep. I don’t want to sound like your mom or your bitch of an exwife, but old man winter is just around the corner. You better get busy real fast and- ”
“Aw shaddup you little dweeb,” snapped Brother Grasshopper. “You know why the world’s in such a mess? Because of over anxious little farts like you who always gotta be doing something, doing something. Relax, you little creep. Smell the roses. Flow with the Tao.”
“The roses are already wilting. Crows are starting to sneeze,” chirped Mr. Ant, “and you’ll be sorry-“
“SCRAM!”
“Peep peep peep”
And Brother Grasshopper just laid back in the stiffening autumn weeds and twiddled his thumbs.
“Twiddle-twiddle. Twiddle-twiddle.”
Finally, winter arrived and chilled the buns of tiny creatures far and wide. Deep within the cozy old log where Mr. Ant made his home, Brother Grasshopper was living it up with the new Mrs. Ant and stuffing himself on the smorgasbord fare. In a nearby alley, Mr. Ant’s body was found, his skull crushed by powerful thumbs.
“Twiddle - twiddle. Twiddle – twiddle.”
Vehicular Therapy
For several years, Google engineers have been road testing driverless cars (see pic below). In three states, including California, these cars have already logged around 500,000 kms without any accidents. They have been un-humanly driving themselves through busy city streets, not out on unpopulated test tracks. Employing cameras, Google mapping technology, radar sensors and sophisticated software, these cars drive better than humans. Imagine! Better than humans who talk on cell phones, read text messages, chomp burgers and work on their makeup in the rear view mirror while driving.
Can there be any doubt, once we are all tooling around in self-driving autos, a mass scale, revelatory, quantum leap in human evolution is bound to occur. Instead of getting your blood pressure pumped ballistic by some asshole cutting in front of you without signaling; instead of pissing off others by cutting in front of them without signaling; instead of taking a wild chance no one's coming when you back into traffic; instead of driving home on five shooters and three beers because you can hold your alcohol...
... there's just sane, logical, safe, efficient movement of traffic...
We'll all have to sit there, watching machines teach us how to grow up!
Facts Awaiting Confirmation as Hypotheses
Rats laugh with genuine abandon when you tickle them.
Our minds never catch up with being present. The closest we ever came was when we we yelled 'present' as our name was called in class.
Baboons don't have finger prints.
The Canadian motto, A Mari Usque ad Mandarini means "From Sea to China"
D-Limonene in organic orange peels is more nutritious and healing than the orange fruit.
The Great White Hedge Hog is not in the same genus as the Great White Shark.
1.2 million bricks in the Empire State Building will need replacing by 2031.
Moose always run to the left when startled by sudden noise.
The words 'month' and 'orange' are still looking for words that rhyme with them.
At the Big Bang, there was only hydrogen gas. It was only a matter of time until that turned into Mozart.
Saying yes to Monsanto
Saying no to closure of Guantanamo
Saying yes to increased NSA spying
Lately, some of the President's decisions have been Obamanable.
Meanwhile, out in the solar powered solar system...
AS ABOVE, SO LOOK OUT BELOW
Only tiny insects seem unaffected by the solar initiated upheaval.
Proof that evolution often leaks sideways.
Proof that evolution often leaks sideways.
Varanasi Jamboree Photo Puzzle: Where's Waldina?
Boning Up On His Johnson
Resin D'Etre
Afghanistan, October 2001. The Taliban set out to destroy all opium farms in the land. They break the hands and legs of farmers to serve notice they mean business to rid the country of infidelic resin harvested from poppies (and, of course, because they like to break body parts. They're spiritual guys).
Enter the US Airforce in retaliation for 9-11. They bomb new caves into the mountains and wage shock and awe eight figure war on Turbaned dudes with AK-47s. While the marines and the martyrs go at it, wily farmers notice no one is watching the poppy fields. They start growing opium again. Heroin traffic out of Afghanistan soars.
Soon as Uncle Sam gets wind of this, mainly through concerned parents and community groups back home screaming at them to get wind, they lean on the Afghan government to send out squads of lads armed with long whip-sticks to destroy the opium poppies before they can be harvested.
Desperate to save their only money making crop, the farmers approach the Taliban and ask for protection from the government weed whackers. Fundamentalist, but not totally dumb, the Taliban relax their morbidly clenched sphincters and offer protection in exchange for a cut of the heroin profits with which to buy weapons to use against the Americans. As an added bonus, of course, this heroin is destroying hundreds of thousands of American lives. Allah must want us to do this, as he surely wants us to scourge infidels, women and TV reality show celebrities. Not ones to look a gift goat in the mouth, the farmers hastily agree.
Afghanistan now produces 90% of the heroin consumed in the world and annually puts out about 30% more heroin than is consumed globally; astonishing output for an agricultural program that can't seem to grow anything else.
Enter the US Airforce in retaliation for 9-11. They bomb new caves into the mountains and wage shock and awe eight figure war on Turbaned dudes with AK-47s. While the marines and the martyrs go at it, wily farmers notice no one is watching the poppy fields. They start growing opium again. Heroin traffic out of Afghanistan soars.
Soon as Uncle Sam gets wind of this, mainly through concerned parents and community groups back home screaming at them to get wind, they lean on the Afghan government to send out squads of lads armed with long whip-sticks to destroy the opium poppies before they can be harvested.
Desperate to save their only money making crop, the farmers approach the Taliban and ask for protection from the government weed whackers. Fundamentalist, but not totally dumb, the Taliban relax their morbidly clenched sphincters and offer protection in exchange for a cut of the heroin profits with which to buy weapons to use against the Americans. As an added bonus, of course, this heroin is destroying hundreds of thousands of American lives. Allah must want us to do this, as he surely wants us to scourge infidels, women and TV reality show celebrities. Not ones to look a gift goat in the mouth, the farmers hastily agree.
Afghanistan now produces 90% of the heroin consumed in the world and annually puts out about 30% more heroin than is consumed globally; astonishing output for an agricultural program that can't seem to grow anything else.
Upgrading Professional Golf
Ask Uncle Sam, Nancy. Since the end of WWII, he's bombed
more countries than all other nations on the planet combined.
If you think this is harsh satire,
Youtube George Carlin and Bill Maher.
This is tame, polite and Canadian all the way.
re: fracking, pipelines and fossils still into those fuels...
degrading the environment for short term profit
is like setting fire to your house to keep warm
Ahmadinejad addresses the NRA
a smattering of current oxymorons
Movies Move us and Movement is Good
I've made a terrible discovery. I hope I have the courage to type this out. It would appear that almost all the character related components required for drama, comedy, tragedy, action, adventure, horror, suspense, romance, thrillers, mysteries... i.e., for story telling altogether!... are the very things the Buddha identified as sources of suffering: self-centeredness, delusion, pride, competitiveness, lust, envy, false selves, wild imaginings, intemperate projections, anger, hatred, intoxications, infatuations, pretense, deception, judgment, retribution, etc. ad egonitum.
And yet! (and it's a yet like a foot stuck in the door that leads to pseudo-liberation)... stories are what we love most!
What the heck? One day out there, our prayers are answered. The Hell Realms are emptied. The Six Domains of Deluded Existence are penetrated by universal Wisdom-Compassion and we're all awakened Buddhas. Perfected beings. No foibles anywhere. No lies, no cheating, no one upmanship, no cuckholding, no betrayals... you see where this is going? NO STORIES, my friends! Not even a captivating anecdote! How're you going to create stories with a bevy of characters all basking in the bliss of perfection?
I have to think this through. I may not be able to meditate for days because of this. Maybe months. A Nirvana without Film Festivals. I don't think I can handle that.
But, wait. Maybe there's another way of looking at this. What if this world -- what if manifestation altogether -- is meant to be just this way, with all its startling contrasts: highs and lows, heroes and villains, anti-heroes and likeable antagonists. How else, out of the bosom of perfection, are you going to create great stories?... Stories that are, in the words of writer friend, P.J. Reece, "to die for."
There's always hope...
... they could be musicians next life time.
PH FACTOR CHIEF CAUSE OF PROTESTS
For Akhmed D. Bazud of Libya, protesting beats partying by a country mile. "You feel totally alive. So much adrenaline. All your buds are there." Bazud started his career in Egypt during the heady days of deposing Mubarak and has since been involved in more than thirty protests throughout North Africa and the Middle East. "We call it the Protest High Factor," said Bazud, "There is nothing as exhilarating. My grandmother was just sitting around all day waiting to die. Now, she is an active bahooti, wearing a t-shirt that says 'USA Bite My Crank.' On non-protest days, she is glum and depressed." Not all protests produce the same life transforming highs, however. Notes Bazud, "When you have a really good cause, like Cairo or in Libya against Gaddafi, that's the best. Otherwise, it's sort of like just going through the motions. But you take what you can get. If all else fails, there's always America."
"There is no high like the solidarity buzz
of a righteous rant."
pith laden quote for the day
"I seem to be addicted to something that doesn't exist. I have embarked upon withdrawal and I am very fearful of what the withdrawal symptoms will be." -- William S. Burroughs
HOW YOU KNOW YOU'RE GETTING OLD IN THE DIGITAL AGE...
Your son thinks Commodore 64 is an aging admiral and cassettes are what Marimba bands use to keep rhythm.
Texting someone seems ridiculously cumbersome compared to just phoning them.
Your music CDs have gathered as much dust as your vinyl collection.
Your eyesight is best suited for a tablet with a 27 inch screen.
You're asking $5000 on ebay for a mint condition 8-Track player.
Your smart phone obsessed daughter has been diagnosed with Carpal Thumbal Syndrome.
The last 3D movie you saw was 'Frankenstein's Bloody Terror.'
You've outlived 9 hard drives.
Texting someone seems ridiculously cumbersome compared to just phoning them.
Your music CDs have gathered as much dust as your vinyl collection.
Your eyesight is best suited for a tablet with a 27 inch screen.
You're asking $5000 on ebay for a mint condition 8-Track player.
Your smart phone obsessed daughter has been diagnosed with Carpal Thumbal Syndrome.
The last 3D movie you saw was 'Frankenstein's Bloody Terror.'
You've outlived 9 hard drives.
You've just upgraded your monitor...
Monarch Mans Up
LONDON: QUEEN DONATES 12 OF HER $13 BILLION TO AID EURO RECOVERY
"At age 86, one thousand million dollars might be sufficient to live out my days in relative comfort," says noble woman mentioned in Britain's national anthem.
"At age 86, one thousand million dollars might be sufficient to live out my days in relative comfort," says noble woman mentioned in Britain's national anthem.
Headlines That Bear No Relation to Prefab Truth
God Says She's Embarrassed By Those Who Kill In Her Name and Wants Them To Stop Immediately
The Deity says He/She/Om is beyond gender and is OMG with being portrayed as male all the time. God further confessed that She is flummoxed at how warlike humans continue to be despite all their claims that they know better. When asked about infant mortality, carnivorous animals that She created and painful terminal illnesses, the Deity was unavailable for comment.
Hockeyland part of China before continental drift, claims Beijing
CHINA EYEBALLS CANADA AS NEXT TIBET
The Deity says He/She/Om is beyond gender and is OMG with being portrayed as male all the time. God further confessed that She is flummoxed at how warlike humans continue to be despite all their claims that they know better. When asked about infant mortality, carnivorous animals that She created and painful terminal illnesses, the Deity was unavailable for comment.
Hockeyland part of China before continental drift, claims Beijing
CHINA EYEBALLS CANADA AS NEXT TIBET
Prime Minister Harper takes tough Canadian stance, offering China back room deal that keeps Canucks pleasantly uninformed.
Related stories:
Anti-China Protest Rally in Saskatchewan Draws 12
Vancouver: Acupuncturist Claims Angry Canadian Bent one of his Needles
Sweet & Sour Home Deliveries Down 0.07%
Green Party proposes to rename Victoria Day "Victoria and Chinese Takeout Day."
Related stories:
Anti-China Protest Rally in Saskatchewan Draws 12
Vancouver: Acupuncturist Claims Angry Canadian Bent one of his Needles
Sweet & Sour Home Deliveries Down 0.07%
Green Party proposes to rename Victoria Day "Victoria and Chinese Takeout Day."
Female Security Guard @ Basketcase Hotel
USA: "THEY'RE NEGATIVELY AFFECTING PENTAGON MORALE", SAYS GENERAL
SMARTASS COLLEGE STUDENTS WARNED TO STOP WEARING EDITORIAL T-SHIRTS
Gruezi Mitenand
For five wonderful days in Switzerland, I stayed with my aunt Greti and her college student daughters, Hermina and Simone. I wanted to speak up and say something, that it didn't feel right that the women should do all the house work and wait on me hand and foot like this, but it's the darndest thing. After two or three days it started to feel so good. It was like there was something natural about it.
I'd sit there in the morning while Greti would bring my eggs and muesli. And there would be little Hermina with her bright smile, setting down my cappucino with extra cream, just the way I like it. Simone would be laying out my clothes for the next few days, freshly ironed to crisp perfection and I'd start to to get this warm glow all over, like for the first time in my life I really am a man. I'm respected, honored, cared for.
I found myself feeling the most tender, sincere affection for these women. They gave so much and asked for so little in return. I would not let this generous selflessness go unrewarded. I would go out there and work my ass off to show my gratitude. I would make enough money to buy them all Audis. I would surprise them with shopping trips to Paris and beach holidays in the Portugese Algarve. That's when I suddenly realized why Switzerland was one of the richest nations on earth. It's because their women are so loving, caring and attentive that their men are uber-inspired to find ways to give them the best standard of living possible. On return to Vancouver, I asked the Canadian Flight Attendant if she could give me a fresh coffee because the one I had was luke warm. She stuck a finger in and said, 'Feels warm enough to me.' Shocked, I glanced at the Quebecois gal sitting across the aisle and she snapped, 'Are you staring at my tits you prick!?'
Canada has no veto power at the UN. No one takes us seriously on the world stage. I now know why. It's not enough for Canadian men to show leaderhip only on the ice. We clearly don't know how to treat our women right and we're falling further behind Switzerland all the time.
Headlines in the Bizarro Superman World
Chinese Government Hires Dalai Lama as Human Rights Consultant
Wall Street CEOs Pledge Bonuses To Bail Out Student Loan Debt
Drunken Street Riot Turns Peaceful As Cops & Protestors Smoke A Fatty
NRA Says 'How Could We've Been So Stupid? We have a thousand times more handguns in America than Germany does and ten thousand times more annual shootings. Duh!'
Beautiful Young Women Offer Free Sex to Male Nerds Who Get Straight A's
Rubio-Weiner Ticket for 2016 Has Nice Ring To It.
The Chaos List
Things that make no sense, but keep on happening as though the universe is secretly run by perverse video gamers.
1. Baseball players' mega-million $ salaries -- the stadiums are always 2/3rds empty. I'll betcha all those brand new unoccupied residential towers in China are wired for cable to watch these games.
2. Democratic election campaigns only multi-millionaires can win.
3. China pretending to be a civilized nation. See: organ harvesting, shark fin soup devastation and massive scale computer hacking.
4. Free roaming Wall Street CEOs who have stolen ten thousand times as much money as petty thieves doing hard time.
5. Cell phone contract small print.
6. Monarchies, including the really goofy one called the International Olympic Committee.
7. Organized pedophile rings that enjoy tax exempt status.
8. Decades long subversion and suppression of viable electric cars and free Tesla energy.
9. The cultic belief that Macs don't crash.
10. Religious leaders who enjoin the faithful to pray to a God of Love five times a day while preaching death to infidels.
cont'd following totally undoctored photo...
11. Darlings of Industry who pump trillions of gallons of toxic benzene treated water into the earth for frakking and go on TV to talk about measures they're taking to protect the environment.
12. People who make false or exaggerated claims for online health products that they happen to be selling. MLM = Master Liars Megacorp.
13. After eleven years of US occupation at a cost of half a trillion dollars Afghanistan proudly boasts being the world's leading supplier of opium.
14. When it comes to spiritual matters (conscious evolution for you humanists) everyone admits they need help but no one wants to be taught. We'll readily ask for help in putting an Ikea bookshelf together, but when it comes to liberation from suffering, forget it.
12. People who make false or exaggerated claims for online health products that they happen to be selling. MLM = Master Liars Megacorp.
13. After eleven years of US occupation at a cost of half a trillion dollars Afghanistan proudly boasts being the world's leading supplier of opium.
14. When it comes to spiritual matters (conscious evolution for you humanists) everyone admits they need help but no one wants to be taught. We'll readily ask for help in putting an Ikea bookshelf together, but when it comes to liberation from suffering, forget it.
Crop Circle Work of Pranksters Says Pentagon General
Washington, D.C. During the press conference, used the phrase 'No comment, ' said five star General, Omar Hippolytus Grant at least 25 times when asked: How did the pranksters get by security? Why did no one notice major landscaping activity that must been going on in the center of the Pentagon for at least three hours or more? Is this a major breach of America's security?
Pentagon officials did stress, however, that the highly charged electro-magnetic field inside the crop circle was neutralized early this morning, applying technologies learned post-Roswell in the Nevada Desert. "It was most likely inebriated college students on a St. Patrick's Day whoop de doo," insisted General Grant, managing to look more dazed than usual.
"Do a Google Image search on crop circles," said a random bystander on the street, "It would take a hoax team larger and smarter than the employee base of Apple to lay down such large scale, intricate geometry all over the world night after night."
Other than "crazy college kids, " General Grant had nothing to add.
The Many Faces of Spring
The state calls its own violence law, but that of the individual crime." ~Max Stirner
Citizen Crane: Review
ONE STAR SCI-FI MOVIE PRETENDS LOADING CRANES ARE INVADERS FROM MARS
NEWS from the four corners of the circular globe
USA: ALABAMA ADMITS CLIMATE CHANGE MAY BE RESPONSIBLE FOR STATE FLOATING OUT TO SEA
SPAIN: Old guy in Madrid sitting on enough Incan gold to bail out all of Europe. But he's hoarding it in order to create a trickle down effect of more jobs.
CHINA: SUPER CRIMINAL LAI CHANG XING JAILED FOR LIFE: $Multibillion Smuggling Ring paid off 64 Chinese government officials.
CHINA: BEIJING TRANSPLANT HOSPITAL ANNOUNCES 64 FRESH HUMAN LIVERS AVAILABLE,
AFGHANISTAN: 11 years and $529,749,333,107 in U.S. military spending later, three wife beating holy men in Kandahar say democracy sounds like stupid idea.
Dear God, What's Going On Here?
AGNES MACWHINNIE
EDITOR & MAVEN
Dear God,
One guy eats one forbidden apple and you condemn six and half billion humans to be born into sin. Does that sound even remotely fair? How could you give an innocent dude free will and at the same time command him to obey you? If he's doomed for disobeying, what's free about the free will? It was the costliest thing you could have given the poor sap. If you gave us free will so we could make our own choices and learn from our mistakes, why don't you let us remember our past lives? Kind of defeats all possibility of learning from our mistakes. If there is no reincarnation and this one life is all we've got, how about a little mercy in the judgment department. I was 27 before I even knew how to tell the truth without hurting someone's feelings.
I can understand how some people act badly and maybe deserve to suffer a bit, but golden retrievers? Are you kidding me? If the first coming ended in such disaster, do you really think another one is a good idea? What's with all those people you 'smote' in the old testament? Can you smite and be a loving God at the same time? How do you pull that off exactly?
Why are you making Yourself so hard to find? Is it because this is all a gigantic computer simulation and you don't want us 'bots' to find out? How come good hearted, well meaning people suffer poverty, tragic accidents and terrible diseases, while stuck up, evil, murderous dorks enjoy health, wealth and good breaks on arms purchases? Especially if this one life is all we've got, how do you explain those karmic inequities? Plus, I haven't had sex in...well... ever! I'm not asking for Tom Cruise, but my biological clock feels like it's strapped to a truckload of C4. HELLOoO!
Okay, that's all for today, God. Thanks for listening if you're out there. If you're not out there and you're actually inside me and everyone else, how about a few tips on how to steer this ship clear of the rocks. Amen.
One guy eats one forbidden apple and you condemn six and half billion humans to be born into sin. Does that sound even remotely fair? How could you give an innocent dude free will and at the same time command him to obey you? If he's doomed for disobeying, what's free about the free will? It was the costliest thing you could have given the poor sap. If you gave us free will so we could make our own choices and learn from our mistakes, why don't you let us remember our past lives? Kind of defeats all possibility of learning from our mistakes. If there is no reincarnation and this one life is all we've got, how about a little mercy in the judgment department. I was 27 before I even knew how to tell the truth without hurting someone's feelings.
I can understand how some people act badly and maybe deserve to suffer a bit, but golden retrievers? Are you kidding me? If the first coming ended in such disaster, do you really think another one is a good idea? What's with all those people you 'smote' in the old testament? Can you smite and be a loving God at the same time? How do you pull that off exactly?
Why are you making Yourself so hard to find? Is it because this is all a gigantic computer simulation and you don't want us 'bots' to find out? How come good hearted, well meaning people suffer poverty, tragic accidents and terrible diseases, while stuck up, evil, murderous dorks enjoy health, wealth and good breaks on arms purchases? Especially if this one life is all we've got, how do you explain those karmic inequities? Plus, I haven't had sex in...well... ever! I'm not asking for Tom Cruise, but my biological clock feels like it's strapped to a truckload of C4. HELLOoO!
Okay, that's all for today, God. Thanks for listening if you're out there. If you're not out there and you're actually inside me and everyone else, how about a few tips on how to steer this ship clear of the rocks. Amen.
FACEBOOK IS PEERNOGRAPHY
two pairs of $5,000 pants down around the ankles
The Gremlin in the Kremlin
THOUSANDS TURN OUT TO RAZZ PUTIN
Saudi Sheiks vote unanimously to support
continuing drive-by protests all across Russia
and the rest of the world for that matter
continuing drive-by protests all across Russia
and the rest of the world for that matter
Russian Foreign Minister's Nose Grows 3 Inches
“We don't supply firearms and what we supply is not used in the conflict,” said Minister Lavrov on the Ria Novosti news site. Here's what Russia has contracted to supply Syria's Assad led regime:
- 24 MiG-29M/M2 fighter jets
- eight Buk-M2E air-defense systems
- Bastion anti-ship missile systems armed with SS-N-26 Yakhont supersonic cruise missiles
- Mi25 'Flying Tank' Attack helicopters
Impermanence, Love It or Live It
Deflected News Head Lines
Famed Environmentalist Eaten By Timberwolves
Anarchist Movement Gathers Random Momentum
Millionaires Bicker With Billionaires Over Money -- R.I.P. NHL Hockey
Religious Fanaticism Passes Cardiac Arrest As #1 Cause of Sudden Death
USA: Republicans Vow To Run Only Smart People Next Time
Stay Tuned for Updated Orbituaries
NASA ANNOUNCES PROGRAM TO SEND DICTATORS AND GREEDY PRICKS INTO SPACE]
Commencing October 2012, NASA will begin transport of selected dictators and one percenters to the space station that has been NASA's principal off planet construction project for the past twenty years. In a Cape press conference, Project Director, Ephram Hyak PhD, stated, "This has been the actual intended purpose of the Space Station all along. We are one hundred percent committed to getting these assholes off our planet, so that the rest of us can get on with peaceful evolution and a fair and equitable distribution of wealth."
In a related story, donations to charitable foundations and homeless housing projects have increased over two thousand percent since news of the NASA Eject-A-Jerk project was first announced.
Commencing October 2012, NASA will begin transport of selected dictators and one percenters to the space station that has been NASA's principal off planet construction project for the past twenty years. In a Cape press conference, Project Director, Ephram Hyak PhD, stated, "This has been the actual intended purpose of the Space Station all along. We are one hundred percent committed to getting these assholes off our planet, so that the rest of us can get on with peaceful evolution and a fair and equitable distribution of wealth."
In a related story, donations to charitable foundations and homeless housing projects have increased over two thousand percent since news of the NASA Eject-A-Jerk project was first announced.
Articles Rejected by Self-Help Magazines
Unconditional Indifference: Key To A Less Volatile You
Could You Have An Impersonality Disorder Without Knowing It?
Create The Life You Want Through Intimidation
Self Esteem: You Can Have It and Still Be a Loser
The Power of Then: Forget Now, It Doesn't Last Long Enough to be Useful
Selfless Service - Is It For You?
How To Make Theft Look Like Free Enterprise from the author of 'Theft: Is It So Wrong?' and 'Romneynomics: Your Offshore Path to Investment Heaven'
Face It, Implants Wouldn't Hurt!
The Fine Art of Humiliating That Bitch Flirting With Your Man
Can Mindfulness Meditation End Suffering? Our reporter commits an entire weekend to finding out.
Seduction Secrets of the Patagonian Cone Moth: Your Key to Better Sex
Emo Wankerism: Some Call It Self-Help.
Couch Potatoes: We Die Sooner But Do We Give a Shit?
Are You Addicted to Ignoring Who You Are?
Deepak, Tony, Dr. Phil & Oprah: Suspects In the Mugging of Eckhart Tolle
Exciting New Research Shows: Negative Gossip Cures Depression
Harlan Bennett's News For Teens
Egyptian Generals Say Vote Review May Last Until Next Election
Cairo bros and sisters, get busy with that social networking again. The old farts in uniforms are messing with you. Like, it's us or the Muslim Brotherhood -- they want you to believe that, but it's obvious that even if 99% of Egypt votes for the Brotherhood, the Generals will never let them take power. A choice between two evils is not a choice, it's a punishment. Be realistic. Demand the impossible -- a new way forward!
Stealing, Making Promises You Can't Keep Top List of Political Skill Sets
Worldwide, politicians and dictators match psychopath and sociopath profiles far beyond the rest of the population. No one knows what to do about this because psychopaths and sociopaths are also way scarier than the rest of us. We could build pens to put them in, but these dudes are smart. They control the army and the police which makes rounding them up difficult. They know how to take control and keep it, which makes it suck to be the rest of us.
Number of Americans Not Having Elvis Sightings Growing Says Poll
President of Society of Confederate Scientists says reduction in number of sightings indicates King getting bored with making cameos.
BREAKING NEWS
Mohamed Morsi of Muslim Brotherhood Elected President of Egypt
But Generals hold on to all effective political power and voters worried about new President's rallying cry, "Forward into the 16th Century!"
China and America Now Own Most of Alberta Tar Sands. Way To Go, Canada!
This is the same Canadian government that recently made a teeny weeny accounting mistake, claiming that they were buying F-35 fighter jets for 10 billion dollars less than they were actually spending. They'll catch you if you make a five dollar error on your Income Tax Return. Woot!
Cairo bros and sisters, get busy with that social networking again. The old farts in uniforms are messing with you. Like, it's us or the Muslim Brotherhood -- they want you to believe that, but it's obvious that even if 99% of Egypt votes for the Brotherhood, the Generals will never let them take power. A choice between two evils is not a choice, it's a punishment. Be realistic. Demand the impossible -- a new way forward!
Stealing, Making Promises You Can't Keep Top List of Political Skill Sets
Worldwide, politicians and dictators match psychopath and sociopath profiles far beyond the rest of the population. No one knows what to do about this because psychopaths and sociopaths are also way scarier than the rest of us. We could build pens to put them in, but these dudes are smart. They control the army and the police which makes rounding them up difficult. They know how to take control and keep it, which makes it suck to be the rest of us.
Number of Americans Not Having Elvis Sightings Growing Says Poll
President of Society of Confederate Scientists says reduction in number of sightings indicates King getting bored with making cameos.
BREAKING NEWS
Mohamed Morsi of Muslim Brotherhood Elected President of Egypt
But Generals hold on to all effective political power and voters worried about new President's rallying cry, "Forward into the 16th Century!"
China and America Now Own Most of Alberta Tar Sands. Way To Go, Canada!
This is the same Canadian government that recently made a teeny weeny accounting mistake, claiming that they were buying F-35 fighter jets for 10 billion dollars less than they were actually spending. They'll catch you if you make a five dollar error on your Income Tax Return. Woot!
Here for the Entrainment, er, Entertainment
I think if we're honest, we have to admit we're here for the entertainment.
Let's break it down.
In Column A, add up the time, effort, money and resources put into the following every year: Baseball, football, basketball, tennis, soccer, hockey, boxing, auto racing, lotteries, online poker, casinos, horse racing, prostitution, drugs, alcohol, fashion, jewelry, pop music, cosmetics, television soap operas, reality shows and infomercials; movies, pornography, travel (flights, hotels,meals etc.).
In Column B, add up the time, effort, money and resources annually put into philosophy, yoga, serious art, and meditation.
Despite all our first world smarts with things like computer science, chartered accountancy, corporate management and getting even, the vast majority of us act like dysfunctional, desire driven adolescents; big False Front Face of Maturity and Responsibility while, truly, what we really want is titillation, drama, sensation and fun. Oowee. Oowee, baby.
Let's break it down.
In Column A, add up the time, effort, money and resources put into the following every year: Baseball, football, basketball, tennis, soccer, hockey, boxing, auto racing, lotteries, online poker, casinos, horse racing, prostitution, drugs, alcohol, fashion, jewelry, pop music, cosmetics, television soap operas, reality shows and infomercials; movies, pornography, travel (flights, hotels,meals etc.).
In Column B, add up the time, effort, money and resources annually put into philosophy, yoga, serious art, and meditation.
Despite all our first world smarts with things like computer science, chartered accountancy, corporate management and getting even, the vast majority of us act like dysfunctional, desire driven adolescents; big False Front Face of Maturity and Responsibility while, truly, what we really want is titillation, drama, sensation and fun. Oowee. Oowee, baby.
Distracting Ourselves To Death
Everything that takes us away from ourselves greatly assists in creating and maintaining a false self that identifies itself as the experiencer. In truth, no separate experiencer can be found, only inferred as an act of mental interpretation. Interpretation is endless distraction and, for almost all of us, is all we know of Creation.
Who am I today? I infer, perceive, deduce and conjecture that I am the body-mind that is mildly allergic to wheat. I am the home owner who has to deal with bills and an oil tank in the back yard that the city says must be removed at our family's expense. A friend shows up with an interesting topic of conversation and off I go in that direction. My wife tells me that I should learn more about the proposed oil pipeline through our neck of the woods and join the protest movement. Our son returns from a trip with a bottle of world class single malt scotch and that commands attention. I accompany my wife to a jazz concert (she volunteers at the Jazz Festival every year) and am blown away by the brilliance of the Jean Michel Pilc Trio. Late news has items about the oil pipeline, the atrocities in Syria and the sputtering U.S. economy. Head hits pillow. Have totally forgotten to abide in transcendent being. Maybe now. Z-z-z-z.
What is it we are being distracted from? What is it that we go to such great lengths to avoid noticing? To live alone, one must be a beast or a god, wrote Aristotle, hinting that the socially connected, unexamined life might be worth living after all.
When I took up meditation practice years ago with a Tibetan Buddhist oriented group, we chanted teaching verses before each sitting. One line jumped off the page!
'Non-distraction is the substance of meditation,
so the teachings say.'
-- Kagyu lineage, Tibetan Buddhism
Another clue came while wrestling with the writings of the Einstein of Consciousness...
'To truly be here now is to be in the absence of space-time.'
-- Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj
Meanwhile, something out there seems infinitely merciful. Distractions, familiar and unfamiliar, just keep on coming. I feel like an infant in a cradle, surrounded with teddy bears and toys galore to help airy nothingness maintain a local habitation and a name.
'Non-distraction is the substance of meditation,
so the teachings say.'
-- Kagyu lineage, Tibetan Buddhism
Another clue came while wrestling with the writings of the Einstein of Consciousness...
'To truly be here now is to be in the absence of space-time.'
-- Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj
Meanwhile, something out there seems infinitely merciful. Distractions, familiar and unfamiliar, just keep on coming. I feel like an infant in a cradle, surrounded with teddy bears and toys galore to help airy nothingness maintain a local habitation and a name.
Current Events Remystified
Statistics That Make You Want to Enroll In The Space Program
... based, in part, on stats cited on the popular health and fitness website, www.mercola.com.
Americans consume 80% of the world's supply of pain killers.
More than 25% of all children and teens in the USA take prescription drugs on a regular basis.
One in four American women take at least one drug for psychiatric or behavioral disorders
There are more than 3,300 unrecognized universities worldwide, many outright fakes, selling bogus degrees to anyone willing to pay.
In a sport where most of the stadiums are mostly empty half of the season, players sign multi-year contracts for unbelievable sums of money: Jason Giambi, NY Yankees, $120 million... Alfonso Soriano, Chicago Cubs, $136 million... Derek Jeter, NY Yankees, $189 million... Alex Rodriguez, NY Yankees, $275 million. That's right, three-quarters of a billion dollars to hit a baseball into empty seats. Here's a sports visualization exercise for the boys, "Imagine that each empty seat represents a thousand hungry mouths."
Real Real Housewives of Dallas Protest Fake Real Housewives
A spokeswoman for the protesters pointed out the real housewives don't make reservations for dinner, they have different colored panties for days of the week, not different colored Ferraris and their idea of culture goes a little deeper than destroying each other's egos over $700 bottles of wine.
In related news, the Federal Congressional Commission on Deconstructing Surrealism says studies have proven conclusively that reality based television programs are several orders of magnitude less real than science fiction, horror, hentai anime and the entire filmography of Jim Carrey combined.
"NO SHIT, SHERLOCK!"
Higgs Boson Update: Scientists Still Figure That Looking Outside to Find Another Object Will Solve Riddle of Consciousness.
'What riddle?' asks team of leading physicists when interviewed by Wordswarp News. One of the team, an Emeritus professor of Physics at U.C. Berkeley, told this reporter, "Thanks to the Higgs, we can now explain the universe. I just can't explain why my wife left me last week."
the dolphins are laughing at us
ELEPHANT THINK TANKERY
We must keep America safe against the enemies we keep making.
We believe in Freedom of Religion; a religion that tells us we are not free.
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day. Give him a large corporation with huge tax breaks and he'll outsource your ass out of a job.
We believe in Freedom of Religion; a religion that tells us we are not free.
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day. Give him a large corporation with huge tax breaks and he'll outsource your ass out of a job.
DONKEY THINK TANKERY
Let's give handouts to people who don't want to work in hopes of building a stronger economy.*
Sheepish acquiescence, that's the way to get the Right to back down on the gun issue.
An 85% flat tax = heaven on a flat earth.
* Obviously, this is not true of all who receive assistance, but it is a real problem. Want disturbing proof? See the recent street documentary footage shot by Alexandra Pelosi and aired on HBO's Bill Maher Show. Truth hides in plain sight, regardless of ideological biases.
Sheepish acquiescence, that's the way to get the Right to back down on the gun issue.
An 85% flat tax = heaven on a flat earth.
* Obviously, this is not true of all who receive assistance, but it is a real problem. Want disturbing proof? See the recent street documentary footage shot by Alexandra Pelosi and aired on HBO's Bill Maher Show. Truth hides in plain sight, regardless of ideological biases.
